I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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