It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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