Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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