Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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