I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
