mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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