I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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