It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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