My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
