I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
