so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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