she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize