You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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