i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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