If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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