Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
