Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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