i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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