i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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