we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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