Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
