I haven't been this sober since birth.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
