I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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