and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
