i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
