So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
