Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
