Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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