I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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