yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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