i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
