Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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