woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
