Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
