Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
