what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
