thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
