I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
