he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
