The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
In America we eat man semen.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
