Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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