Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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