wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He felt like a one man threesome
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
