fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She needs sedatives and a leash
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
im on a boat
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