We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
