You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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