I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
