I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
