Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
