eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
