if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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