dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
