Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
