I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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