wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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