I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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