Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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