This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
