see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
