I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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