I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
