I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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