I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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