Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
