i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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