why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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